“You know YOLO, you only live once? No, no – you only die once.”

---- Jayne Dill, Founder of London Death Doula

Jayne Dill is no stranger to death. As a death doula, she has witnessed countless final breaths.

A death doula is a unique type of nursing worker who supports those nearing the end of life. They are now becoming more common.  A death doula fulfills the long-overlooked needs of the dying – the need to be heard, to decide freely and to face death with dignity.

Jayne has been a death doula for five years. She has lost count of how many individuals she had guided through the journey – a couple dozen, perhaps.

A Child Fascinated With Death

In 1982, the 21-year-old Jayne began her journey as a registered nurse, embarking on her lifelong calling. Her first job was at a general hospital in Goderich, working in fertility for 10 years. After that, she moved to London and worked at the University Hospital, where she served in intensive care and later, orthopedics.

Jayne’s career path was no surprise to her family. In fact, Jayne’s father was “thrilled” when she entered nursing. “He always said, get a job where you can support yourself and someone else,” Jayne recalled. She pursued her path with her family’s support.

Jayne grew up on a farm. As a child, she witnessed deaths around her – animals passing, seasons changing and crops withering. She learned to look at death as a normal process. Seeing human beings go through that experience, to Jayne, was profound.

“I always looked at that as a dying and a rebirth,” said Jayne. “Death was always very foremost and I always had a fascination with it.”

The early reverence for death ultimately led Jayne to shift her field to adult oncology at the Verspeeten Family Cancer Centre (formerly the London Regional Cancer Centre) and, later, to work as a death doula. She has also completed several certifications in Thanatology, Grief Educator, Hospice Palliative Care as well as trainings in serious illness conversation and other programs in oncology.

However, during the years at cancer clinic, Jayne sensed a profound lack in death education in the hospital, which she felt frustrated about.

“People not knowing their options. People not knowing what this is going to look like. People not knowing that they can say no,” she explained. “ There are so many gaps in the system, and it’s the gaps that I was not comfortable with.”

Hoping to better support patients and open conversations around death, Jayne volunteered to be a death doula after retirement, bringing all her nursing experiences to this role.

She has a passion to care for people, and to guide them through one of the most profound moments of a life.

“Passion, Compassion, Support”

These are the three words Jayne used to describe what being a death doula means to her. She says witnessing death, whether it’s sudden or expected, is never easy and always painful. Yet, Jayne is grateful for spending time with her patients and listening to their words, which sometimes they don’t even tell the family, but share with a stranger face to face.

“It’s a privilege to sit and listen and hold that space for them,” said Jayne. “It’s profound in the relationship that… we’re sharing this very, very intimate situation.”

Jayne sees how often the dying carry burdens they feel unable to share with others: fears about the process, fears about leaving their people and guilt over feeling responsible for causing grief. Their urgent need to voice such feelings is, however, often invalidated by people around them, leaving a significant disconnect between them and their families and friends.

Jayne says the role of death doula fills the gap, supporting people by being a good listener and addressing their emotions, fears and concerns.

Jayne illustrated this with a story:

“There was one gentleman from out of town. He just wanted to go home and sit in his chair, and look out his window at the lake… The family was in his room, home care was in there. They were talking about getting beds and transport and services into the house – all this flurry of information. He’s laying in the bed and I peeked in. He winks at me... He didn’t care about any of this stuff.”

Though Jayne has spent decades in hospital settings, the greatest challenge she faces still comes from the psychological weight of seeing life passing away.

To cope, she sets her own boundaries to protect herself from taking too much of the family’s grief. She also spends time wandering in nature and playing with her little grandchildren. It is her way to emerge from shadows, reconnect with the surroundings and balance out life and death in her life.

But, if at some moments she can’t hold back, she cries alongside the families. A hug. A back rub. A hand-holding. Jayne joins these emotional moments, sharing the profoundness of life and death with others.

And when she returns to daily life, the invaluable experiences of participating in such significant moments has brought her precious connections between people.

The Death-Iliterate Society

Jayne launched a few hospice care programs in London in 2019, with a mission to help more people understand death as a normal process of life and to raise awareness of the role of a death doula. She works as the service provider. She also founded the organization Death Doula London, posting her services online to reach those in need.

“We are in a death-iliterate society,” said Jayne. “We don’t even say the word death. We say they ‘passed away’.”

Based on a study by Dr. Noonan, death literacy is defined as “a set of knowledge and skills that make it possible to gain access to understand and act upon end-of-life and death care options”. To Jayne, the society’s avoidance of openly discussing death is rooted in cultural fear, a hesitancy ingrained over generations.

“We used to say, talking about sex won’t make you pregnant – talking about death won’t kill you,” Jayne smiled.

Although death doula remains an unrecognized profession in London, an article showed a growing demand for such roles. Jayne attributes this to the systematic problem in Canada’s health-care system: while new treatments and technologies extend life, hospitals face shortages of staff and space, leaving patients unprepared for the end-of-life journey.

Despite these problems, Jayne is encouraged to see that more people are learning to see death as a natural part of life, and a matter worthy of careful attention and mindful preparation. She held several talks titled “dying well” to educate others about the work of death doula and to encourage audiences to approach the inevitable with calm acceptance and thoughtful seriousness.

 “Live life fully, and death is a natural process,” Jayne repeated to her audiences. “Live to the fullest because we could be gone tomorrow. It’s precious. It’s so precious.”

For her own death, Jayne has made a clear funeral plan. She would have a living wake – a family gathering where final words are shared. She would let her grandkids witness the funeral. She would have aquamation and be buried in the cemetery where her dad is. But until that day comes, she’s committed to living her life to the fullest.